A Fall to Grace Read online

  "C, you will be an instrument for the goddess. And remember, an instrument must allow itself to be played. It cannot play itself."

  Nourished by her words, I say, "The teachers I have met in these worlds often talk about the cycles and rhythms of nature. Is there more you can tell me about this?"

  "Oh, you are about to meet your greatest teacher. Let her show you the way."

  With this, Isis slides off the rock and declares, "Come, I will take you to her."

  The moon is rising as Isis leads me to the Nile. By the riverbank, she lifts her arms and a strong wind comes up.

  "Accept help from the wind spirit," she instructs.

  I plant my feet on the ground, about a shoulder-width apart, and turn my hands palms up at my sides. The wind is so strong that I am forced to shut my eyes. It rips away at my body, whereupon my skin, my bones, every bit of matter dissolves to sand. As sand, I am picked up by another gust of wind.

  Then, in the same way an hourglass siphons its contents into the lower portion of the vessel, I am siphoned back into my body. Wiggling my toes, I feel granular particles beneath them. My nose picks up the salty, algae- infused scent of the sea. My ears open to the roar of waves.

  Lifting my eyelids, still slightly stuck together with sand, I find myself on a beach facing an immense ocean in the midst of the night. Directly above me is the moon, which has begun waning. I am transfixed watching her reflection in the water. I recall that I have often imagined myself alone on a beach watching the reflection of the moon in the water. My mind fills with recollections of the many times I heard the moon calling me during my travels and with my recurring quandary about how to answer her call.

  Delighted to be face-to-face with her shining beauty, I sit with my legs crossed and my hands, palms up, resting on my knees. Closing my eyes, I become bathed in moonbeams. The light swirling through my body is nothing like sunlight, which feeds my cells; this light nourishes my soul and takes me to the core of my being.

  Allowing myself to be nurtured by the light of the moon, the sound of the waves, and the smell of the sea, I become immersed in memories ... I grew up by the sea, dancing in her waves and being dragged into her currents. Sometimes I felt as if she would never let me loose, as if she'd take me out to her home to live with her forever. But each time I tumbled into her embrace, she would spit me out before it was too late.

  I never feared the sea. In fact, I floated endlessly on her surface, watching the clouds drift by and cherishing the way she rocked me. Even when I was in pain I'd go to her. Her rolling waves would pull my sorrows from me, recharging me with new life on their return. The sea was always there to love me when I had no one to share my sadness with.

  Breathing in tempo with the undulant waves, I once again feel the healing action of the sea as she takes away what needs to be released and brings in fresh energy. No longer do I yearn to communicate with her, except to express my appreciation for her regenerative presence in my life. I take a moment to give her thanks.

  Then I gaze up at the moon, wondering how to contact her. At that moment I hear a voice. "Do you remember when you were a child, C, and went outside every night to sing a song of love and praise to the man in the moon?"

  "I have forgotten about that."

  "Well, I haven't. You sang to me with an open heart, calling me into your life forever. And like a guardian angel, I have been watching over you for many years. Now it is time for you to learn my mysteries. It is good that you have come when I've begun to wane."

  "Why is that?" I ask.

  "I reveal my mysteries while waning. When I am waxing, the light of the sun blots out my essence. Only when I cease to reflect the sun's rays can I show my true nature."

  She adds, "Close your eyes and allow me to create a space in which you can experience your own fullness."

  I close my eyes. Beams of light enfold me as tenderly as loving arms. Wrapped in her embrace, I drop deep inside myself and begin to see her light reflected in me. Her light soon fills me completely.

  "Your concentration is good. I can tell that you are in an expanded state."

  She's right—I have surrendered to her and, in the process, relinquished all ties to my body. I am in a state of pure beingness.

  "Isn't the silence wonderful?" she asks.

  The absence of noise within me is so profound I don't want to disrupt it. But awareness starts to creep in. I am slowly becoming conscious of myself.

  The moon says, "Awareness causes the expansion to collapse, doesn't it?"

  "Yes, I feel like a balloon losing its air."

  "Awareness of self ushers in the state of separateness. When you become aware of yourself, you perceive the illusion of disconnectedness from the All."

  The ensuing silence leaves me to my thoughts. Humans have evolved into self-aware beings. This self- awareness can be a gift, yet it can also be a curse, especially when under the rule of the ego we forget the web of life we are a part of.

  The moon breaks my train of thought. "Look into me and see the reflection of your life on earth and your journeys in these worlds."

  As I look into the face of the moon, I see a movie screen and upon it a film that unfolds in full color. I see my birth and watch myself as a young child on a chaise lounge singing to the moon. I see happy scenes in which I was still connected to nature and experiencing the love and care of my parents. I then see myself becoming socialized, all the while losing bits and pieces of my essence. My creative fire leaves when I am a schoolgirl being molded to conform to the rules and norms of society.

  I see family members, teachers, other authority figures, friends, and strangers, all throwing clay onto the sculpture that is me. They fling out their projections, beliefs, attitudes, judgments, and feelings. Before long I have lost my identity to the figurine forged by others.

  I watch the clay begin to harden, wearing on my body and creating an unnatural tension. I am weighted clown by the rules of society, the projections cast by others, and the negative feelings in the world around me.

  I watch as the stresses I put myself through cause my body to crack, whereupon illness flows into me. While I remain separated from my true self, the illness takes up residence in my body, the container of my spirit. But some part of my being, determined to survive, creates a crisis that opens doors to other realms, where I am encouraged to remember who I am.

  More scenes unfold—meetings with the tree man and the doe, the tiger, the skeleton, the anaconda, Cassandra, Our Lady of Guadalupe, Mary, Isis, Tonantzin, and Lao- tzu. I watch Jonathan and Leah showing me the baskets of lights waiting excitedly to be born.

  I see my birth, my soul retrieval, my recommitment to life, and my romance with Etienne. And I see the moon showering me with her light.

  I merge with the moon. Inhaling, I feel a pull; exhaling, a release. The earth and the moon, I now know, breathe as one. The tides of the oceans are ruled by her, as are the growth cycles of plants and the biological rhythms of animals and humans. All living beings grow, act, and react in accordance with her changes.

  "I have a great deal to teach you," the moon says, blending her voice into my reverie. "What you are learning tonight is only a beginning. Do you understand?"

  "Yes, I will come to you when I can."

  "I have great patience. You have already sensed the power of my magnetism and you have learned from others that what exists outside you and within you are one and the same."

  Taking her words deep inside me, I nod in agreement.

  "Among the governing principles of the universe are laws of attraction that determine what you draw into your life. While inhaling, you call to yourself your intention to live, and then find inside what wants to be created. While exhaling, you 'breathe out' your creation thoughts to the universe. The universe hears these and responds by bringing you the vibration you have sent out.

  "You see, all thoughts have a vibration. Positive and negative thoughts vibrate differently, calling forth different situations. Would
you like to see how this works?"

  "Yes, of course," I reply.

  "Closing your eyes, think about Etienne and your new love for him. Experience a smile forming in your heart."

  "I can do that."

  "Now open your heart and ask to be shown the vibration of your love."

  "When I see the vibration, it looks like small pink bubbles. When I listen, it sounds similar to the humming of the attendant I first met in the hospital and to the voice of Isis."

  I momentarily allow myself to be distracted by the roar of the waves hitting the shore as the tide rolls in.

  "Now let's try something else. Think about a person who evokes anger within you."

  "I would rather not call in that energy right now."

  "Do it for a learning. Humor me."

  I go inside myself and think of someone toward whom I project strong negativity. I feel the beast of anger waking up and rising within me.

  "The sound emanating from my being is discordant, and the darkness around me is nothing like the purity of the night sky."

  "You can imagine what you will get when this call is answered."

  "Yes," I say, opening my eyes to disrupt the imagery. I let the energy from the waves wash over me, clearing the negativity that has arisen.

  "When you put out negative thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes, or even engage in negative daydreaming, you run the risk of attracting problematic situations."

  "But I can't always control the thoughts I have."

  "That's true—you cannot kill your shadow. But you can raise your awareness to grasp the source of problematic states of consciousness. You move into these states when you become disconnected from the fountain of light within you. Each time you are pulled from your center you experience dissonance, breathing out discordant notes into the universe. Those notes are then mirrored back into your life.

  "Awareness without judgment is the key. Investigate the source of disharmony within you. Are you hearing your own voice or one from your past? Can you return to center after you have been pulled out by the energy of another's voice?"

  "What if I can't identify the voice, or can't find my way back to center? Am I doomed to suffer the consequences?"

  "I see no doom in your life. But you will not always be able to identify the source of your emotions and thoughts. Sometimes, an energy inside you will spark feelings while breaking loose at the end of its life span. Other times, a body organ processing toxins will trigger a variety of emotions. All these sensations will ride themselves out. Nor will you always be able to stop your thoughts, although you can learn to harness their energy and work with it. You can learn to transmute negative thought forms into energy that is beneficial for yourself and others. Remember, energy that is transformed converts to power.

  "On some occasions, you will call forth a drama to reenact so you can learn a particular lesson. When this occurs, simply remind yourself that you are an actor in a play. Receive the lesson, then shed your costume.

  "On other occasions, you will create a drama to awaken yourself to a belief or emotion brooding within you. This, too, is a learning and a gift, for the more conscious you are of your shadow, the less likely it is to play itself out in your psyche, catching you off guard."

  I look up. The stars are beginning to fade and the sky is turning from black to blue.

  "Can you give me an example of this?" I ask, lifting my knees from the sand and wrapping my arms around them.

  "Let's take your relationship with Etienne. You were not aware that you called out to the universe for true love, were you?"

  "No, you're right about that."

  "Then you were probably not aware of a belief you held—namely, that you do not deserve love. If you don't bring this belief fully into consciousness, you might manifest it in your waking life."

  "So, what you are saying is that I need to develop a practice."

  "Yes, living life consciously is a practice, my dear."

  Even the ocean falls silent in response to these words.

  "You reminded me that when I was a child I sang to you, thinking you were the man in the moon. I now experience you as feminine. What are you really?"

  "I am both male and female, for I embrace all. You, like others, see what you need to see in order to learn what you need to learn. Some peoples of the earth have named me Grandfather Moon; others call me Grandmother Moon. I am both. I reveal myself in whatever way is needed."

  "Tonantzin told me that men and women alike need to get in touch with their feminine aspects. I suppose this is true for me as well."

  "Yes, you must heal the male-female split within you. The male dynamic in you is trying to oppress the more intuitive female essence. Why? Because it feels threatened by your rising feminine power. Instead, a strong partnership must be created. The male in you needs the female as a receiver of information. The female in you needs the dynamism of the action-oriented male. You will heal this split in the context of your relationship with Etienne."

  "Healing a split of this magnitude will probably require much creativity. But I often feel disconnected from my power—or as you put it, my fountain of light."

  "There is an ebb and flow to life. When you are in the ebb, you forget that the flow will be coming back around. When you are in the flow, you fear the ebb. The best approach is to stay in the present. Life will bring changes soon enough.

  "Your creative power, by the way, comes with the waning moon. Did you know that?"

  "I'm afraid I have not been following your cycles."

  "Your ancestors did."

  "I know little about my ancestors. Their customs were not passed down to me."

  "You would find it most fruitful to explore your ancestry. If you can acquire a sense of your past, you will have a better understanding of your present. You will even be able to trace this energy into the future. You will then be equipped to view life as a continuum.

  "Your ancestors possessed talents and strengths that have been passed on to you. Honor them by trying to retrieve this information. It is part of the foundation they've laid for your life."

  "I have been told that you will teach me about the cycles of nature," I state, aware that the sky is lightening and that my time with this great presence is coming to an end.

  "I will teach you more about nature's rhythms after you complete this assignment: Follow my cycles, noting the shifts in your energy and disposition. Observe how your own cycles change relative to mine. Watch how the growth and dormancy phases of plants correspond to my cycles. Notice how the animals scurry about and rest in keeping with my cycles.

  "As you do this, take note of the changes you feel through the passing seasons. Observe how each one alters the quality of energy available to you. Notice when you feel the need to pull in and when you desire the company of others.

  "The wind changes with each season, as does the temperature, the humidity, the scent in the air. The colors of the sky as well as the positions of the sun and moon change, too. Learn to conduct your life without a calendar. Use the elements you see, feel, smell, and hear to inform you of the seasons.

  "The stress you create by being out of sync with the earth's rhythms is a major cause of disease in your time. You cannot control nature, for nature controls you. So relax into the rhythmic breathing of the earth. Take note of all this, then return to tell me what you have learned. On that night I will teach you more."

  The beams of light that have been embracing me withdraw into the early morning sky. Venus, the morning star, rises and sits by the moon.

  I honor the ocean and the moon, and they honor me. I feel them entering me from under my ribs and taking their rightful places within me. The moon rises toward my forehead, to a spot above and between my eyes. The ocean rolls into my heart. When they reach their dwelling places, they share their power with me.

  "May I sit with you?"

  Recognizing this voice, I turn around. "Of course, Cassandra," I say.

  "You've had many travels, and
it is time to go home," she acknowledges, taking a seat beside me. "How do you feel about this?"

  I gaze at the two celestial bodies just above the horizon. "I feel ready, and at the same time I am afraid. There is so much information to bridge into my life. I know the way will be shown to me if I keep my heart open. I guess I fear the unknown."

  "Fear of the unknown is natural. It will keep you humble. But remember, life is an adventure—so set your sights on the adventure and let some of your fear transform into excitement, into the thrill of meeting the unknown.

  "As you have already been told, many seen and unseen forces will be on hand to help. And you will continue to visit the beings you have encountered, each one of whom will assist you in your learning."

  I take comfort in Cassandra's presence. Because she met me at the beginning of my journey, her appearance at its end comes as no surprise. I look up into her face and peer into her eyes. Something about her is oddly familiar. Suddenly I realize that she looks like an older version of me. My eyes widen with amazement.

  "That's right, C. Even the energy of your future is on hand to help. Go now in peace," she says, gently pulling me to my feet.

  The wind that brought me here returns, blowing through my hair and my clothes. Dissolving into sand once again, I move toward a tunnel of muted light extending from the sky. As soon as I step inside, I begin to re-form. I climb up through the tunnel until I arrive at a misty doorway.

  Lao-tzu, holding his curved staff, waits for me in the fog. "The river of life will lead you to paradise if you stay true to it," he whispers, leaning over and kissing me on the forehead. Then he steps aside, clearing the way to my passage back home.

  I awake to the distant sounds of sirens blaring and the dazzling gleam of fluorescent lights. Oh my, I think to myself, what a welcome home!