A Fall to Grace Read online

  When we reach the edge of the pond, Etienne pulls himself out. Turning to me, he says, "I know where to

  find some towels. Wait here for me. I will be right back and we can dry off."

  He disappears through a side door to the castle. He seems familiar with this place, I think to myself, as if he has settled in here. Yet to me the castle and the land surrounding it are imbued with impermanence, as if at any moment they might evaporate into thin air. At times I feel as though my energy is what's keeping them here.

  I climb out onto the grass, shake off the excess water, and slip into my fleece jacket. I am sitting huddled beneath the tree when Etienne returns with his arms filled.

  "Here you go," he says, gently throwing a long navy blue towel at me.

  "Thanks." I catch it and wrap it around me before pulling off my jacket. I am glad to find that the towel covers me from the neck down, because I'm not quite ready to bare my body to this man, although I would certainly like to.

  "You look good in blue."

  "Thanks." I'm nervous and short on words.

  "Here's a blanket we can sit on." Etienne spreads a red-and-white checkered blanket on the ground.

  I lie back on the blanket and watch the rising orange sun. Suddenly I realize how hungry I am.

  Etienne, who seems more peppy than yesterday, says, "You must be hungry. Stay here and I will pick some fruit for us."

  "Can I help?"

  "Just relax. I'm glad to do it."

  The sun is starting to radiate warmth. I let its rays nourish my cells. Despite the yearning I feel for the natural rawness of other lands I have visited, I like this place. And I am content to be here with Etienne. Taking notice of his physique has far from squelched my burning desire for him.

  He returns with an armful of fruit, which he deposits on the blanket. I sit up, pulling the towel tightly about me. The more snugly wrapped I am, it seems, the calmer I feel.

  "Do you want to tell me your dream?" Etienne asks, sitting down and reaching for an apple.

  "I'm not sure I am ready to. I met a beautiful teacher with a powerful message, and I need to sit with it a bit." How, I ask myself, can I tell him that it was the Egyptian goddess Isis and that she said I was going to meet my true love?

  After a moment I add, "I hope you are not offended by my unwillingness to share. It's just that my experience was so personal."

  "Please, I wouldn't dream of invading your space. I'm sure that when you are ready you will share your experience with me."

  I like this about Etienne. Whereas I am constantly fighting for space in relationships, he seems to have his boundaries intact. I haven't experienced this trait in other men.

  "What about you?" I ask. "Do you want to say who you went off with last night?"

  "There's not much I can say, because my experience was quite personal as well. I met up with the Hindu goddess Kali. She has much to relate about death of the ego. It's all part of my practice, you know."

  "I, too, met up with a goddess. I visited the Egyptian goddess Isis. Are you familiar with her?"

  "I have heard her name, though I have not been drawn to the wisdom of ancient Egypt. What does she have to teach?"

  "Well, I'm not sure, because I have just met her. She is an exquisite woman, fully in her power. And she is wise in the ways of the feminine. I look forward to meeting her again."

  "That's good. Sometimes these teachers come through for such a brief interval. I hope you will have as much time with her as you want. She must have appeared to teach you something about your own beauty. You are quite beautiful."

  Now, I wonder, whose energy is pulling on whose? Has Etienne been calling me to him or have I been calling him to me? How do I sort this one out?

  Etienne sets down the apple he has been eating, reaches out and, gently holding my chin, kisses my lips. My mind wants to resist but my body gives in fully, and I meet his lips with the passion I am feeling inside.

  We fall to the ground. I lose my towel to the earth as our hands start exploring each other. I am surprised by the depth of passion I feel for him. Although I hardly know him, I find that on some level I know him well: Our chemistry is right and our bodies fit together perfectly. I meet Etienne's male energy fully and wrap around him the fire of my feminine.

  We end our lovemaking with a flurry of kisses. Then we lie back on the blanket.

  "Wow! I have been fantasizing about you, but I didn't expect this," I comment.

  "I felt a connection the moment I met you," he replies.

  "I feel one, too. What do you think it is about?"

  "I don't know."

  "Would you like to explore this?" I inquire.

  "Sure, what do you have in mind?"

  "When you meditate, you try to get to an empty state. But can you receive intuitions in this state?"

  "I can when I need to, and when I am clear enough."

  "I learned from the tree man how to relax enough to travel for information. What if you meditate and get information on our connection while I gather information in the way I have learned? What do you think about that?"

  "I'm game," he says.

  Etienne sits up to meditate on the meaning of our connection. I remain on my back, imagining the tree man as he instructs me in ways to access help from beings. Relaxing, I float out of the universe as I know it, traveling swiftly back through time. I am from another galaxy looking down onto the earth as it first takes shape. I decide to explore the earth experience, and at that moment my soul splits into two energy forms—one holding the potential of the feminine, and the other the masculine.

  An intelligence begins to speak in a loud, impersonal tone of voice: "You and Etienne originally entered into your earth dance as one soul. Etienne is the masculine part of you, and you are the feminine part of him. You have been apart for eons, and now you are reuniting to accompany each other back home."

  Jumping into the universe as this energy form, I feel an excitement flowing through me. I am embarking on a new adventure. Then instantly, the vision disappears. My energy collapses back into my body. I open my eyes and see that I am once again on the red-and-white checkered blanket by the pond in the sun. My head is throbbing from the rapid return, and I am not yet grounded.

  I look over at Etienne. His eyes are still closed; his face appears soft and peaceful; his breathing is quiet. I love looking at him. Then I lower my eyelids, breathe deeply, and take an inventory of my body from the feet up. I sense numbness everywhere. Continuing to breathe deeply, I feel my body resting upon the blanket on the earth. I wiggle my toes and little by little bring my attention upward to my head. At this point the female part of me that wants to be met begins to burn with desire for Etienne. I am back.

  Opening my eyes, I see that Etienne is looking toward the pond. Although he and I have just had the most intimate experience two people can undergo, I am not sure I know him well enough to share this vision with. I’ll see if he wants to speak first, I tell myself.

  With that, I begin talking excitedly. "I had the most amazing vision. You might think it too bizarre, but I have to tell you what I saw." I proceed to relate the entire sequence of events I experienced in my altered state of consciousness. I tell him about leaving the universe and traveling back to the beginning of time, when the earth was born, and about the words spoken by the intelligence.

  Etienne listens, all the while gazing at me with his large brown eyes. I can tell that the intimacy of our lovemaking has softened both his gaze and his energy. Without waiting for his response, I ask, "What did you get?"

  "I saw the same thing."

  We look at each other in amazement and burst out laughing.

  Etienne stands, wraps himself in a green towel, and reaches out a hand to help me up. "Come with me," he says.

  I get up, fold the blue towel snugly around me, and follow him to the pond.

  There he takes me into his arms and kisses me. Then he sits, gently pulling me down in front of him. "Let's look at our reflec
tions in the water."

  I lean back into his inviting body, feeling his warm skin against mine and soaking in the joy of his embrace. Then we scoot forward to peer into the still water.

  "We look like brother and sister," I observe.

  "Do you think so?" he asks.

  "Sure, look closer."

  "You're right. In fact, you look more like my sister than my own sister does."

  Hearing that he has a sister, I realize how little I know about this man. All the same I feel a deep closeness.

  Gazing into the water, I see the reflection of clouds gathering rapidly overhead. The wind picks up and a chill rises in the air. Turning to face the sky, we see enormous black clouds. Suddenly the wind shifts and thunder roars in the distance. Then lightning streaks across the horizon. Just as I'm contemplating how magical it is to watch a storm forming in the sky, a great boom reverberates above us. The clouds immediately open to share their water with the earth.

  Part of me wants to stay in Etienne's arms watching the storm, but by now the rain is pouring down in torrents. We dash to the tree to grab our clothes and blanket, then I follow him to yet another door of the castle.

  We burst into a carpeted room with our wet clothes, blanket, and towels dragging behind us. The carpet is fluffy and light beige, and set about the room are a huge, stuffed, old-fashioned-looking green couch and several armchairs as well as a cluster of wooden chairs. I shake out my clothes and put them on; Etienne does the same with his. Then we drape our towels and blanket over the wooden chairs.

  "Have a seat," Etienne says, as if welcoming me to his home. "I will light a fire for us."

  "You seem to know this place quite well. Do you spend a lot of time here?" I ask him, settling into the couch.

  "Actually I do, C. After we dry off, I will take you on a short tour of the castle. I think you will find it interesting."

  Etienne builds a cozy fire and sits beside me. There's so much to say, and yet no words pass between us. What, I wonder, do you say to the other half of your soul? Where do we go from here?

  "That was an intense message we received," I articulate at last, sinking further into the couch. I haven't known the comfort of soft furniture since my departure from the hospital. And although my body likes the feel of it, something in me rebels against being out of nature and in a manufactured setting.

  Etienne stares into the fire. Again he has that empty look in his eyes. "When I check in with myself, the message rings true," he replies. "I just don't know what to do with it. My life, although simple, is very full, and I have so much to explore right now. I need time. Here, come with me and let me show you something."

  Almost jumping off the couch, he bounds over to a standing mirror in a corner of the room. I notice an unsettled feeling in my stomach—a sensation I often experience when I think the bottom is about to drop out of my life. Reluctantly I get up and stand beside him.

  "This mirror is an entryway to another world," he explains. "Each room in the castle is furnished with one, and with articles from a different place and time period. If I look into this mirror with the intention of entering the time period represented by the room we are in, its surface will at first liquefy and then turn into a gaseous fog that I can walk through. I have spent much time entering a variety of lands and epochs through the mirrors in these rooms. I am not ready to end my explorations, for there is so much more to learn."

  "I could come with you on some of your journeys, and you could accompany me on some of mine. We would have great fun traveling together in this way."

  "It's not that simple, C. I am a loner who needs a lot of space. I'm not sure I want to share these experiences with anyone at this point. Maybe later, but not now."

  "I'm willing to give you the time and space you need. But my intuition says there is more to your reluctance. Are you telling me everything?"

  "We can talk about this later. Would you like to explore the castle with me?"

  "No, my heart is burning. Let's talk."

  "Okay, there is someone else in my life. I didn't plan on what happened between us. The pull was so strong that I didn't think about the future and what we were getting into. Did you?"

  "There's someone else in your life?" I am taken aback. "Look, Etienne, it's not that you did anything wrong by making love with me. I wanted it as badly as you. But after what we just experienced together, I can't just say, 'See you—have a good life.' Etienne, I want more. I'm willing to give you time and space, but I will not let you go!"

  "C, you have to. I'm not ready for you. I'm not ready for us!"

  "How can you do this to me?"

  "I'm not doing anything to you. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to get hurt. I don't think this conversation can go anywhere unless you settle down and communicate and not blame me for hurting you."

  "Well, excuse me if I seem a little upset. I'm just not ready to let such a powerful opportunity for growth dissolve right in front of my eyes."

  "I understand, and I am sorry. But I'm not going to participate in hysterical discussions that hurl blame and accusations around the room. I have come too far to resort to this. Let's just sit by the fire and try to center a bit."

  I don't know if I can engage in a civil conversation with Etienne. My womanhood feels threatened. My body is on fire and he's telling me he can't meet this fire. I can't speak rationally right now, I tell myself.

  "Come, sit with me on the couch. If you want to leave, you can. But if you want to be with me, then sit down."

  I begrudgingly move toward the fire and plunk down in a stuffed chair beside the couch. If he wants his space, I tell myself, then so do I! The feelings racing within me are so out of control I'm not sure I can pull this off gracefully.

  "How can you do this?" I burst forth, not intending to.

  "Look, C, I do love you. But there is a correct time and place for love and commitment. The time is not right for me."

  "Who is this woman? Do you love her? Have you told her you are not ready for a commitment?"

  "Look, I am not going to get into this with you. You are not open to talking and listening. It's as if you only want to blame and accuse. I am sorry that you feel so hurt. I need to leave now."

  Etienne jumps up and darts out of the room. I am riddled with questions. Do I stop him or let him go? Can I live with myself if I let him evaporate from my life? No, I decide, for then I will never be able to forgive myself. I need more time with him.

  I run out of the room and down the hallway. Feeling his energy to the right, I turn right and come upon an open door. Entering the room, I catch a last glimpse of Etienne moving through the mirror.

  I look around the room. The decor is Chinese. To my left is a long table edged with jade carvings; on the wall behind it are panels adorned with red serpents and one- legged dragons; and lining the fireplace to my right are decorative bronze ritual vases. I head for the mirror and ask it to let me enter. The glass turns to liquid, gas, then fog, whereupon I jump through.

  I tumble head over heels down a tunnel. I can only assume that my inner turmoil has produced an agitated energy field, which is being mirrored back to me by my passage through the tunnel. I cannot slow down and I certainly can't stop. Finally, I drop to the ground.

  This place, like some of the others I have visited, is home to a briskly flowing river. In some spots the current is almost violent. Bordering the river are stands of deciduous trees. I search the woodlands for Etienne, but to no avail. I do not know where I am. All I know is how awful I feel that an experience so beautiful and right could become so ugly. I wish I could have been more gracious, I confess in a whisper. What am I to do with this feeling of loss? It is as though my heart has been ripped out, causing a wrenching pain that will persist for quite some time. I don't want to go through this, I tell myself adamantly.

  "Why don't you come sit by me." The voice seems to spring from the river, as if the water itself were speaking— which at this point would not surprise me.

>   I set off toward the river and soon notice a man hunched over the water from his seat on a rock. Could this be Etienne? I wonder, my stomach momentarily fluttering. I am not aware that desire is blinding me until I discover that the man is quite old. Stepping closer, I see he is Lao-tzu. So we get to meet at last, I declare silently.

  "I'm looking for a friend who may have come this way," I say aloud. "Can you help me?"

  "I haven't seen anyone pass through here. Why don't you come sit with me by the river."

  "I'm feeling a great loss right now, and I do not have the patience to sit and talk. Maybe another time. Now I need to search for my friend."

  "I doubt you will find your friend here. Sit down for a moment—the river will help soothe your emotions."

  My mind goes into high gear. How could I with any success run around a foreign land looking for Etienne? He could be anywhere. He may even have gone through a different tunnel. Maybe if I sit with this man he will help me.

  "You look like a Chinese sage named Lao-tzu, who once lived on the earth," I say, perching on a rock beside him.

  "I am the energy you call Lao-tzu."

  Although I'm not sure what that means, I go on to tell him, "I saw you in a vision recently. I saw your face, and you looked at me and said, ‘You have forgotten everything I taught you.' It was as if you had known me."

  "You were once a distinguished student of mine. In the time that has passed since I last saw you, you have forgotten a great deal."

  "What have I forgotten?"

  "That life is constant change. Watch the river for a moment. It perseveres in its journey back to the source. Twists, turns, and obstacles present themselves, and in response the river continually transforms itself. But it never stops moving.

  "Life is like that. Many paths will cross the road you walk along. Many situations will arise to hinder you in your return to the source. You must learn how to move with life. You must learn to bend in response to the natural forces that are moving you, just as the river does, and the stars, the moon, the sun, the wind. Any attempt to halt the natural rhythm of life will lead to a path of disharmony. Stop your white-knuckled navigating and let life take you where it may. There will be rapids as well as smooth waters. Go with the flow."