A Fall to Grace Page 12

  "I don't know how to respond, Etienne. I am simply gathering information and experiences. I don't know how I will bring them into my day-to-day life."

  "May I interrupt?" It is the voice of a stranger.

  Etienne and I have been so engaged in conversation that we did not notice the approach of the teacher I met after leaving the hospital. I look up at her, suddenly aware that I have never before seen her in daylight. She looks strangely familiar to me.

  "My name is Cassandra," she says to Etienne, after which she nods a greeting to me. "May I sit down?"

  We make room for her on the blanket. As soon as she has settled in, the tiger moves to her side. She strokes him lovingly, as if she already knows him. The way she meets the gaze of the tree man suggests that they, too, know each other.

  Cassandra looks at me and says, "Etienne has shared very important information with you. As you have discovered, each person has a reason for being in life. Part of what will give you meaning in life is participation in a strong, committed relationship. In relationship you will remember who you really are and you will get back in touch with your feminine essence. Yes, you will have work to do in the world, but you must balance this work with feeding and taking care of yourself.

  "The time of sacrificing yourself for the good of the whole is over. The goddess will not support martyrdom. So yes, you will have work to do in the world, but you must also continue to work on yourself and to develop whatever it is that you are passionate about. You will learn much from your relationship with Etienne, provided that you commit to it as fully as you have committed to your decision to live. You must walk a path of balance."

  "I have received so many messages in the time I have been here. I need to go home and put them into practice before I can wholeheartedly agree with any of them."

  "That's true, C," says Cassandra. "Your time of traveling in these worlds will soon end, but you will want to get clear on your priorities before returning home. You will have plenty of time to practice what you have learned, which is what your soul has asked for. Surrender to your soul's journey in these lands. And try not to worry about how you will implement every lesson you have learned here.

  "Before you and Etienne part again, you must decide if you want to fully commit to a path of exploring true love. Ask your heart to respond to Etienne's concerns."

  "Etienne," I say to him, "I truly do want to commit to you. But you will have to be patient with me. This is all so new."

  "I know it is, C. And the thought of committing to you is new for me. I may appear to be in touch with my needs, but perhaps I only think 1 am. I still have some business to take care of, so why don't we part for now, finish our travels here, and meet again later."

  "But how will I find you?"

  "Don't worry, I will find you. You must trust in us and in our love."

  "Etienne is right," says Cassandra. The tree man nods in agreement.

  "Come walk with me, C," Etienne proposes.

  He leads me into the castle through the side door. As we walk down the hallway I remember so well, he seems wrapped in thought.

  "What are you thinking about?" I ask.

  "I’m trying to decide which room to take you to. I know," he says, stopping in his tracks. "Follow me."

  After passing about twenty rooms, he opens the door to one almost at the end of the hall. Although I yearn to explore all the rooms in the castle, my body leads me on. I am more interested in what Etienne has in store than in embarking on new adventures of my own.

  At the doorway he takes my hand and looks deep into my eyes, touching all the closed spaces within me. It's as though lights have been turned on in uninhabited rooms. He reaches around and lifts me up. I feel surprisingly light in his embrace.

  Crossing the threshold in Etienne's arms, I notice hundreds of white candles lighting this otherwise dark room. In its center is a large wooden bed. Etienne places me gently on the mattress. My body is on fire as he lies down beside me. We kiss passionately, whereupon my fears dissolve and I am once again possessed by the goddess within me. Etienne gently removes my clothes, all the while staring at my body. I do not feel self-conscious. Indeed, the feminine part of me feels secure and burns with desire for him. I sit up and lift his shirt over his head, then he takes off the rest of his clothes.

  Lying skin against skin, we become one soul reunited at last. The split will be healed, I tell myself before drifting off to sleep. We spend the night together in an ecstatic embrace.

  I awake to gentle streams of light filtering in through the narrow window of the room. The candles have all burned down. I look over to see the soft gaze of Etienne as he awakens. He reaches for me and I snuggle against his body.

  "I love you," he whispers into my ear.

  "I love you, too," I say, turning to kiss his lips.

  "You know, we will be together, C."

  "I know. I trust that we will."

  "I need to go now. But I will find you, I promise. Do you believe me?"

  "I know on a deep level that you will find me, Etienne. My body says that you are telling me the truth. I will miss you terribly, and I will hold you close to my heart."

  Etienne kisses me gently on my lips and forehead. Then he jumps out of bed and reaches for his clothes.

  "Now, don't follow me this time. You have other places to go, and I'll see you soon. Good journeys!"

  Before I am able to respond, he is out the door. Part of me is excited about my future with Etienne. Another part, however, is terrified. There goes that survival instinct, I tell myself. Doesn't it know anything but fear? The need to feel safe and secure has dominated my life. I hope I can find a way to change the program.

  I slowly put on my clothes. Stepping into my shoes, I look around the room. The bed is made of dark cherry wood. The walls are also dark, though more likely oak. Covering the narrow window are white lace curtains. The only other object in the room is its mirror, a doorway to another realm. I look into the glass wondering which world it leads to.

  Before leaving the room, I take a final look at the bed that held the ecstasy of our union. I feel as if I am taking a mental photo to refer to in the future, while recapturing special moments of my life. Then I step into the hall, shutting the door behind me.

  As I stroll down the long passageway, I stop scrutinizing the surroundings. My eyes have turned inward to savor the remnants of the intense love I have shared.

  While exiting through the front door of the castle, I spot the little tree man and the tiger waiting for me. Cassandra, it seems, has left.

  The three of us begin the long trek back to the meadow. We walk in silence, which allows me to tune into the waves of ecstasy still rolling through my body. Just beyond the manicured lawn, I turn around for one last glimpse at the castle and see it dissolving into nothingness. Its disappearance does not surprise me, for I realize that although the passion occurring there felt real, the castle itself never did.

  We continue on, watching the changing angles of light as the sun passes across the sky. When we approach the cave of crystals, the tiger stops and offers his back to ride upon. The tree man and I climb up. The creature's fur tickles my skin, still alive from lovemaking. Squirming around, I search for a comfortable position; and as soon as I settle down, he takes off. The wind slaps against my face, drawing my attention to the elements around me.

  We come at last to the tall grasses of the meadow and, yards ahead, an opening in the earth, which I recognize as the place of my arrival. Here the tiger stops, and the tree man and I dismount. As soon as my feet hit the ground, I make my way to the tiger's head and look into his eyes—one blue, the other green. I feel no remorse as I say good-bye to him, because I know we will be friends for a long time. But I do give him a big hug and plant a kiss on his forehead.

  The tree man pats the tiger on the head. Afterward, they seem to communicate a silent message to each other.

  Turning away, the little man and I enter the dark tunnel. I am surprised to be
met by rushing water instead of the cool, dark earth to which I've become accustomed. I swim easily through the narrow tunnel and into the cool waters of the lagoon. Here the setting sun blots out all but the soft outline of the rising full moon. I hear her calling my name and I know I will meet her before returning home. I'm learning to trust my intuition, to believe in what I know to be true.

  Swimming to the water's edge, I watch the tree man greet the doe with a kiss on the nose. Then I pull myself out of the lagoon and gaze into the doe's welcoming

  brown eyes. Looking up at the tops of the pine trees, I sense that my time in this realm has ended. A nod from the tree man confirms my hunch.

  "I can't imagine saying good-bye to you," I tell him. "This place feels like home to me. I can come back again, can't I?"

  "Yes, of course. This is your home in these worlds, and you will be returning often. We don't need to say good-bye, C."

  "I would like to finish my conversation with Isis, but I don't know the way to her dwelling. Can you help me find her again?"

  The tree man takes me to a clearing, where he builds a small fire. "Step into the fire. It will help you transform so that you can travel to the home of Isis. Keep her dwelling as your intention, or you may become distracted and end up somewhere else along the way."

  The tree man reaches for my hand and gently kisses it. His touch conveys his message: Good-bye for now.

  I gaze into his smiling eyes, my heart filled full with love for him. Amid all the beautiful spirits I have met, I realize, none has touched my heart and soul the way he has. Never before have I experienced the depth of love I feel between us. Then, with some sadness in my heart, I step into the fire and turn to smoke. My spirit melds with the spirit of fire, and I soar into the far reaches of the universe.

  Once amid the clouds, I feel my body starting to re- form. My intention does indeed keep me traveling to the home of Isis—so much so that I do not even glance at the passing landscapes. At last I begin to slow down, aware that I am reaching my destination. I stop at the simple, sacred, open-air home beside the Nile.

  Isis, sitting on the floor weaving a basket, looks up at me and smiles.

  I step inside to greet her. "It's good to be back here with you."

  "You have wasted no time during your travels—you are on quite a mission. Please have a seat."

  I sit on the woven rug. "You live in such a beautiful home. There's something special about the energy it radiates."

  "This house has much soul. Everything you see in it has special meaning to me. Many of these items I have made."

  "My living quarters lack vitality. I wonder how I might bring the sacred to my apartment."

  "The answer draws upon some of the information you received from my sister Tonantzin. What you are really saying is that you want your home, your sacred space, to mirror your own soulfulness, or life force. When you look about, you want to see a space that reflects back vitality.

  "Just as you have a soul, so does the land on which you live and the structure in which you reside. But because the essence in all things animate or inanimate is not honored in your time, you are surrounded by lifelessness. Actually, there are many ways to bring the soul back to your dwelling. You can ask it to return, for example. Or you can sing it back. I like to sing, so that is my way.

  "Once you have called back the soul of your dwelling, you can bring in objects that hold power for you, that seem alive. Rocks or fresh flowers will do the trick. Whatever object you decide upon, try raising your awareness of it by asking: What part of me does this object mirror back? Does it hold power and life for me? If it does not, don't place it in your home. As for the items already present, decide which ones you want to keep and which ones you need to let go of.

  "You can sanctify every room in your home, or you may prefer to designate one room as sacred space. The point is to love and appreciate the place in which you live. All souls want appreciation, even those inhabiting our homes.

  "This holds true for your office as well. You can place on your desk a special object, like a crystal, flower, or stone that will change the energy of your workplace. Remember, life can exist everywhere, even beneath artificial lighting. You just have to call it in.

  "There is no right way to do this, so experiment. Notice whether you feel a positive shift in energy after bringing in a new object. If you do, you'll know your work has been successful. If you don't, you'll know you have more work to do."

  "Thank you for your suggestions," I say, fascinated by these notions.

  "Let's take a walk," Isis suggests, standing up and heading out the door.

  Before leaving, I take in the splendor of her home. The "soul of a place" is an intriguing concept, I note, vowing to inhabit a space that encompasses as much life force and good energy as I feel here.

  I follow Isis through the grasslands in the valley of the Nile. The grasses here, although beautiful, are not as soft and lush as those in the meadow.

  "Each place I have visited in these worlds has a unique beauty and energy, Isis," I tell her.

  "I'm sure you can say that about each being you have met, too," she replies.

  "That's definitely true. I have been introduced to some extraordinary energies."

  "You will also find this to be true of each human being you meet. Every person is born with a unique beauty and essence. To compare one with another would be impossible, yet this is what your culture attempts to do. People are classified by race, status, and education, instead of being recognized for the energy they carry. This impersonal treatment has been catastrophic, has it not?"

  "Of course it has. You need not say more."

  "All that is unique about each person has been lost. What has replaced the understanding of your true essence is the definition of yourself that your parents, teachers, and other authority figures gave you. These definitions have led to a false identity. Moreover, they have prohibited you from living up to your full potential, from living out your birthright. Your birthright is to fully express your soul.

  "You have learned a great deal about yourself in these worlds. You experienced your true origins. You explored your fears. You saw how you've stepped out of the rhythms of nature. You discovered some of the work you are to do. Now you must dissociate from the voices that block you from being who you really are. You must learn to go beyond your social conditioning."

  Isis stops walking and mounts a large rock. I take a seat on the ground beside her. The singsong quality of her voice reminds me of the attendant in the hospital at the beginning of my travels. I am captivated by these hypnotic tones, for they are in perfect harmony with her energy.

  I sit with my arms around my knees looking up into her jet-black eyes, eager to hear more.

  "Can you tell the difference between hearing something that is true and hearing a lie?" she inquires.

  "Actually, I can," I reply. "I have always thought I had a built-in lie detector. When I know something is true, I often see a green light flashing in my solar plexus. When I think someone has told a lie, or when I am about to make a wrong decision, I see a red flag. I don't always heed these signals, but I do get them."

  "That's good—it's a start. As you embark on a path of right action, listen to the voices in your mind. Each time you hear one, ask yourself, 'Is this me speaking or someone from my past?' If it is you, seek out the information it holds. If it is someone else, try to identify the speaker and let the message go.

  "The better you are at sorting out your own voice, the sooner you will get in touch with your true nature. As you have already learned, fears reside within you as part of your genetic code. Your job is to thank them for their assistance in sustaining you, then detach from them and go to a deeper, all-knowing part of yourself—the part you think of as the observer. From this place you will be able to access the fountain of light within you. Energy will come from this light; passion will come from this light; creativity will come from this light. The feminine part of you will experience this
energy, and the male, or dynamic, part of you will help manifest it in the world."

  "But how much of my past do I need to know? How seriously must I look at what went wrong?"

  "You need to look at your past hurts and mistakes to determine what you want to change. You need to be aware that your past hurts have developed voices that keep you from being who you really are. But it is nonproductive to get lost in your past, for there is no freedom in analyzing and reanalyzing prior events. Freedom arises in finding out why you are here and who you are beyond your conditioning.

  "You have choices as an adult that you did not have as a child. How freeing it is to know that you are not locked in to your past! If you get lost in your wounds and fail to see your current options, you will only re-create the wounding."

  "I understand what you are saying. I have avoided looking at my past for reasons that I now know are unimportant. Yes, I can see the benefit in looking back so I can decide on the changes to make in my life. But I can't figure out what has meaning for me and why I am here, other than to shine. I wish I had a bit more direction on this assignment."

  "To find one's life purpose, one can go on a quest for a vision or seek the answer in a dream. Many spiritual practices can also help access this information. The journey you have embarked upon will assist you, and will continue over time.

  "Here is another technique that may come in handy: Try to ascertain exactly what nourishes you on all levels, including the physical. Remember that although you may not be a body, your body carries your spirit and must therefore be tended to. While preparing meals, pour love into them. While selecting foods to eat, ask yourself if they will nourish you. Check in to see whether or not particular actions will nourish you. Only partake in what is nourishing."

  "A lot of work is involved in taking personal responsibility for one's life," I comment.

  "It's not as hard as coping with the consequences of not taking responsibility," Isis remarks. "Your task will be eased by all that you learn on your on your travels as well as in your relationship with Etienne. Your relationship with him will be a true creation story. You will also begin to seek out like-minded people with whom you will share a variety of resources.