A Fall to Grace Read online

  "Have a seat," Isis says, greeting me with her smiling dark eyes. "You look beautiful in green. How does it feel to wear it?"

  "It feels great."

  "Are you aware of the effect of colors on you?"

  "I know I am attracted to certain colors at certain times, depending on my mood. My favorite has always been blue. When I need to feel power, I am drawn to that color. But I like green a lot, too."

  "Green is a healing color for your body. I'm glad you have been aware of the feelings you get from colors. It will be good to wear those that are the most soothing when you need tranquility and the most empowering when you require courage.

  "I have some wonderful soaps made of healing oils. You are welcome to choose one to use in the water."

  I select a soap that smells of lavender and set it beside the river. Then I remove the green dress and, naked, step into the water. It is warm enough to float in, so I allow myself to be buoyed by the gentle waves before washing a fortnight of travel from my skin. As I drift toward the bank, I lower my feet until they are met by the wonderful softness of mud.

  Standing, I reach down, squeeze the mud through my fingers, and pick up handfuls of it to spread over my arms. I cover myself with the soft, wet earth, and then dive underwater to wash it off. Next I scrub myself with the lavender-plant soap and wash that off, too. When I feel squeaky clean all over, I climb onto the grassy riverbank.

  Isis, who has been weaving a basket, sets down her creation. The sun is hot, and I am dry almost as soon as I sit beside her.

  She arranges several glass containers in front of me. "Pick an oil you would like to have on your skin."

  I decide to stay with the lavender fragrance I used for bathing. While I rub the oil into my neck and shoulders, Isis takes several drops of it and begins stroking my feet. In the midst of my elation I notice a sinking feeling pushing its way into my awareness until I am flooded with the disappointment of unrequited love.

  As if responding to my inner state, Isis applies pressure to the soles of my feet. "You met an energy that has affected you deeply," she says. "This is good."

  "Well, I am not sure what is so good about it. I feel hurt, empty, and raw. I met a formless being who told me that unless I heal the split between Etienne and me, I will never again experience happiness. If he is right, my life is now a mess—for even if I were to find Etienne, I would not want to convince him to return to me. I would want him to come back on his own. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure I am ready for a relationship.

  "Isis, am I never again going to experience happiness? Who was this intelligence? What an awful message to deliver!"

  "The split you are experiencing has ended a period of innocence in your life. The fall from innocence is a powerful initiation. Yes, you will experience happiness again, with or without Etienne. But happiness will have a different meaning, because you are no longer innocent."

  I understand her words. I feel like I have awakened from the peaceful, innocent sleep of a child.

  "You do not need Etienne in your life. Tell me, what is it about him that you miss?"

  "I miss his touch. I miss our lovemaking. I have never felt such ecstasy—emotionally, spiritually, or physically— as I did during our short time together. I miss his charm, his humor, his self-assurance. How's that for a start?"

  She laughs. "Your physical attraction to him is quite strong. Yet even if you don't come to know such a power again, at least you will have tasted of its gift; and that experience will always live in your heart. But I am sure you will again feel a power such as this in your life.

  "Etienne mirrored qualities you have overlooked in yourself. It's important to own this projection. You see, you are charming, humorous, and self-assured. So fill the emptiness you now feel with the qualities you miss in Etienne. Heal from the inside out. All healing occurs in this way."

  Isis lowers my feet gently to the grass, stands up, and begins combing out my tangled hair. Feeling the knots come loose, I recall Our Lady of Guadalupe, who also spoke of healing from the inside out. The message I am picking up on is clear: As you change your internal world, your external one will change, too.

  "You have had a conversation with the energy called Mary," Isis notes as the sun begins dipping toward the horizon.

  "You know where I am all the time, don't you?"

  "We are kindred souls. I go where you go."

  "I see."

  "No, I don't think you do, but let's return to the matter at hand. Your feelings of guilt have been strong—did Mary help you with these?"

  "How can I say Mary didn't help me? To my mind, she is the great healer. Being in her presence was extraordinarily healing. Her words held great power and truth. But no, I cannot say I have been healed of my feelings of guilt. I guess that will take time.

  "I'd like to embrace what she said about not feeling indebted when I give love, but I have always felt the pain of others. It's hard enough to be around people in pain, and it's that much harder when I am the cause of it. I don't want anyone to have to suffer. I would rather be in pain than watch someone suffer."

  "Your boundaries are clear, though, aren't they?" Isis asks. "Do you know the difference between your pain and someone else's?"

  "Often I become lost in suffering without knowing its source. But occasionally I can stop myself, aware that I am feeling someone else's feelings."

  "Empathy is important in a healer."

  "But I am not a healer."

  "Conducting formal healings is not the only way to be a healer. Many who do not call themselves healers are healing all the time. When you listen to others with a sympathetic ear, you are healing them. The key is to avoid taking on their pain. Feel it—which you will do, because you are sensitive—then let it pass through you, knowing that in the process a healing has taken place.

  "Do you remember your talk with Lao-tzu? He reminded you that one must fully experience an energy for it to pass through and be released. The problem is that you get caught up in the release.

  "You cannot save another person; you can only save yourself. You cannot carry the pain of another, no matter how dear that person is to you. But by sitting with others you can empower them while the strength of their own spirit carries them through the void. You received

  this lesson yourself. It is now time to bring it to your relationships with others."

  "How do you help a person who has lost faith in herself?" I ask.

  "Have you ever found yourself in such a situation?" Isis inquires.

  "Yes, at times in my life I have lost faith in myself and in God."

  "Did anyone come in and rescue you?"

  "No, no one could have rescued me from this dark place."

  "And yet you survived. What happened?"

  "I guess when I hit absolute bottom something inside me takes over. Some observer part of myself calmly lets me know that everything will be okay. This observer doesn't get caught up in the suffering or the drama."

  "That's the spirit part of you. What you have been learning in your journeys to these worlds is that you have a spirit that cannot be touched by any person or event, including death. The spirit cannot be hurt and cannot die. When the ego part of you shatters, as it does when you lose faith in everything around you, your spirit has a chance to shine through. You recognized this yourself during your trek through the cave, when you sang, 'The strength of my spirit will carry me through the void.'"

  "Yes, but I guess now I need to hear about it again."

  "That's fine. Don't judge yourself for having to hear a message more than once. Sometimes we need reminders to help us recall what we have forgotten.

  "As for helping others who have lost faith, remember that the loss of faith is a fall from grace. When you allow spirit to help you regain your faith, what a tremendous initiation that is. What a memorable learning! You become cognizant of a reality larger than everyday life and acquire a stronger foundation to stand on.

  "Once you know this is true for y
ou, you'll know it pertains to everyone around you. Being there to listen to another person's pain is the first step in helping him regain faith in himself. The second is to hold the energy for him—to provide a container of love that will allow his spirit to come through.

  "The trick for you is to avoid taking on his pain. Actually, it is an illusion to think you can do such a thing; you cannot even know his pain. Hence you end up projecting yours onto him. What you are seeing is your pain in his eyes."

  Conversing with Isis has held my attention so completely that I have forgotten my own state of being. I take a quick survey of my feelings. While aware of all I have yet to learn, I do not feel overwhelmed. And although my heart still longs for Etienne, a calmness has replaced the burning inside me. Lao-tzu, I know, would remind me of the impermanence of these circumstances; he would encourage me to ride the ebb and flow of emotions, and avoid attaching myself to one state or another. Here I am sure I can practice this exercise, though I make no pretenses about ever mastering it.

  "Our time together is nearing its end," Isis explains gently. "Before you leave, I have one more question to ask you: Why do you count on the beings of nonordinary reality to read your mind? Why don't you just come out and say what you want to say? Why don't you ask for what you want? You seem to place the responsibility on us to know what you need and want, isn't this so?"

  "Sometimes when you read my mind, you are seeing through to dynamics I am unaware of—but not this time. It is true that I expect others to know of my needs. I am often disappointed when people do not respond to my silent requests.

  "This has been a pattern of mine. I expect others to know of my pain and my desires. Then I get mad when they don't respond by giving me what I want. I end up getting angry at the insensitivity of others, all the while victimizing myself. The worst part is that I am often conscious of doing this, Isis."

  "It is learned behavior that comes from your culture. And always it is self-defeating."

  "I know, especially in light of all I have learned recently. I am aware that no one will give me what I want unless I ask for it. I am also aware that even then I will not necessarily get it; but I must at least take the risk and ask for it. This is an important lesson in creating a good life for myself. I must stand in my power and ask for what I want."

  "In addition you must be aware of the unconscious desires, beliefs, and attitudes that are governing you. You must learn to distinguish your voice from all the others shaping your creations."

  "I know what you mean. My belief that I don't deserve love originates in a voice from the past. So, too, does my certainty about the scarcity of love. I allow these voices to shape my present creations, which are destined for failure because they are fueled by erroneous notions."

  "You're learning very well. Your creations are woven by your desires and beliefs. But unless you are aware of the false beliefs and attitudes emanating from voices of the past, you will weave these into your creations as well."

  "Isis, there's more I need to ask you, but at the moment a giant magnet seems to be pulling on my solar plexus. What shall I do?"

  "We will finish our conversation later. For now, you must follow the pull, because someone else wishes to speak with you."

  I look at the sky, and my eyes lock on the waning moon. Instantly I am yanked away from Isis. Losing sight of the moon, I tumble backward through space. A giant magnet is pulling on me, and I have no choice but to surrender to it.

  I land on the ground with a thump. Before me is a woman whose presence could take up worlds. She is sitting cross-legged staring at me. Her eyes are fierce, burning with raw power and angry energy. Avoiding her gaze, I visually stake out my new turf—a stark desert. The ground, a light sand color, holds no vitality. Even the yellowish gray rocks are bare.

  Startled by the contrast between this intensely animated woman and her desolate surroundings, I glimpse at her face.

  Again she meets my gaze with fierce, catlike eyes. I don't take her anger personally, for it is not directed at me.

  "I am the Aztec earth goddess Tonantzin," she says.

  "I am C Alexandra," I reply.

  "I know—I have called you here. I have a message for you and the people of your time."

  I inhale deeply to create more space within me. If I can expand enough to contain her energy, I tell myself, I will not be blown out by her power.

  She begins her message. "What you see here is the outcome of people's behavior toward the earth. Man does not have to conquer the earth and her women to get what he wants. He must instead learn to work in partnership with this feminine energy. In addition, he must learn to abide by the feminine energy within himself.

  "This is what happens when people think they can conquer nature," she states, extending her arms, turning at the waist, and pointing at the landscape around us. "Everything dies when man stops honoring the feminine. The earth, as you can see, is unable to withstand the anger and abuse directed toward her. Soil that is not honored cannot sustain plant life; already the vegetation on your planet has little nourishment to offer. Without plant life, the animals go hungry; hence they, too, offer little nourishment for the people. The live foods growing on your earth, like the artificial ones manufactured there, lack soul. Food without soul provides no nourishment. Deprived of the emotional, spiritual, and physical nourishment of plants and animals, humanity loses its soul.

  "The soul of your planet is leaving. If the departure proceeds at its current rate, this is what you will see." Again she sweeps her arms through the air, directing my attention to the landscape.

  Struck by the bleakness of her vision, I hardly know what to say.

  "The earth has had a long life—much longer than humankind can grasp. Relative to this time span, the duration of 'conquest thinking' has been but a flash. The problem, however, is grave, for the energy of conquering leads to more conquering, which ultimately results in the obliteration of all life."

  Words finally come to me. "Why are you telling me this? Is there a way out or are we doomed to extinction?"

  "There is a way out. The feminine must be encouraged to rise again. The women of your world must tap back into their feminine energy and work together to care for the children. It is time for the women to rise up and say, 'We will not stand by and watch children starve to death.' What kind of mother stands passively by while her children are being killed? Only one who has given up her soul.

  "The men of your world must connect with the feminine within them and declare, 'We shall no longer strive to conquer nature or one another. We refuse to participate in destruction.'

  "The goddess must be honored. The goddess in each woman, man, and child on your earth must be honored! If this does not happen, the earth will lose her soul. Without soul, there is no essence with which to bestow nourishment. And without nourishment, there is no life. The decision, as always, must be made collectively."

  "What am I supposed to do? I am only one person among billions. How can I possibly effect a change of this magnitude?"

  "Portions of your soul have been retrieved, have they not?" she asks.

  "Yes," I reply.

  "Then when you go home and look around you, the people you'll see will not be mirroring back your soulfulness."

  "The lack of life force is something I have already seen, Tonantzin. I don't think this will be new to me."

  "What will be new, C Alexandra, is that you will no longer be able to dissociate from what you see. You will be forced to make changes in your life and to start awakening the people around you.

  "You will do this because the feminine forces—within you and without—can no longer watch the children starve. These forces have been oppressed for thousands of years. Find the goddess in yourself, then help women and men find her in themselves. You must do this!"

  Wondering how to go about such a task, I start thinking out loud. "If I hold this as an intention, will the path be shown to me?"

  "The feminine has withstood her oppressio
n and found in the midst of it lessons needed for her evolution. Consequently, help will be available to you from seen and unseen forces, and yes, your path will be revealed to you. That does not mean, however, that it will be free of obstacles. Help restore honor, beauty, and balance, C Alexandra. The goddess will be most grateful."

  "I have met a guardian spirit in these worlds who told me that the view of the earth as diseased and imperfect is just an illusion, that really the earth cannot be hurt by human beings. I am trying to reconcile his message with yours."

  "What your guardian spirit has shared is true when seen from a higher dimension. From the dimension in which you live, conquering behavior causes scarcity, disease, and in the end, death. If people in your dimension want a life full of soul and abundant resources, then they must learn to live in partnership with all of life.

  "The only thing to be destroyed is the god they call gold. Humankind has sold its soul to gold, only to find that it cannot buy happiness, bliss, or nourishment. The death and destruction wrought by the worship of gold is unconscionable. Maintaining one's soul and the well- being of children is far more important than amassing gold.

  "Feeding the children is quite simple. First, you must honor the rain gods, the life in plants and animals, and the food sources plucked from the soil. Next, you must relearn how to work with the cycles of nature and the forces of the moon. Finally, you must rediscover that to grow, life forms require love.

  "The cause of the present dilemma is the wounding of the male. I have deep compassion for this woundedness, but it is time for the male and the female in every person to shake hands and say, 'I am sorry. Let's get on with life.'"

  "This information inspires me. I can see that in addition to remembering my light I have a mission to attend to."